How Should Wikipedia Spend Its $3 Million?

The Wikimedia Foundation has just pulled in a $3 million donation from The Alfred P. Sloan Foundation. Given claims which were leveled against Wikipedia’s playboy founder Jimmy Wales alleging questionable spending using his expense account, I thought it would be appropriate to suggest some of the more creative things Jimmy could spend the $3 million on.

Idea: Escorts

Let’s cut to the chase. You love the ladies. But there’s absolutely no reason an esteemed digital revolutionary should ever be forced to go to a Moscow massage parlor. Even though the Emperor’s Club is no longer in business, there is no shortage of other agencies ready to provide quality servicing. $3 million for a lifetime of pleasure? Somebody say “bargain”!

And remember Jimmy, you’re not paying women for sex. You’re paying them to leave in the morning. As you probably learned with Rachel, the costs when there isn’t a clean break can be pretty high.

Idea: Cocaine

Party like a rockstar. You should be able to get around 150 kilos wholesale for $3 million, making you the king of Silicon Valley for years.

Just keep the stuff away from ____ ______. He’ll go through it like it has an upcoming expiration date.

Idea: Ferrari Enzo

There’s absolutely no reason to engage in instant messaging foreplay when you own a Ferrari Enzo. Drive down the South Beach Strip in this baby and you’ll attract more pussy than the Los Angeles Humane Society.

I have a friend in Riyadh who is selling his 2004 Enzo for the low price of $1.1 million, leaving you with just under $2 million to spend on gas, speeding tickets, paternity tests and venereal disease treatments.

Idea: A Trip to Vegas

Save a few thousand for a trip to Crazy Horse Too and put the rest on black. Trust me.

Idea: Oil Wells

Web 2.0 is dead. But it’s not too late to become Jimbo Plainview. Email me and we can discuss a number of opportunities in Canada.

Idea: A Stake in Facebook

For $3 million, you can purchase a 0.02% stake in Facebook. It’s the investment opportunity of a lifetime. What could possibly go wrong?

Idea: Fractional Jet Ownership

Wikia will never kill Google, so a 747 Party Plane is probably out of the question. But there’s nothing wrong with fractional jet ownership. I’ve talked to Larry and Sergey and they promise they won’t laugh when you whip out your Marquis Jet Card.

Idea: A Cattle Ranch

Saddle up Jimbo! Based on what Danny Wool tells us, you love steak. But you’ll never have to spend $600 on dinner at Bern’s again. For less than $700,000, you can purchase your own 4,000+ acre cattle ranch in Argentina. That leaves more than enough to buy some cattle and to build a bigger, more luxurious property on the ranch.

Spend wisely and you might have some money left over for Spanish and tango lessons. The women of Argentina are absolutely gorgeous but they don’t have gringo fever so you’re really going to have to take your game to the next level.

Idea: Wikipedia

You could spend the $3 million donation on what it was intended for, but personally I think that’s boring and hope you consider the options above seriously before making a rash decision to spend it all on a hopeless attempt to aggregate “the sum of human knowledge.”