The Secret to Raising Money from VCs

I generally don’t like VCs. Most of them are clueless. And most of the time, if you need a few million dollars that you don’t have to get your idea off the ground and can’t raise it from people you know, you are probably wasting your time.

That said, I’ve read enough bullshit advice about VCs and have decided that it’s time to clear things up.

Everything you need to know about raising money from a VC you can tell from the car he drives.

Mercedes-Benz SL65

The Mercedes-Benz SL65 is the car of choice for old men trying to recapture a glimmer of youth but who also know their limits. The VC driving one likely isn’t interested in a pre-revenue company and if you’re pitching Web 2.0 bullshit, don’t waste your time. He’s looking for a company with an exit in sight and is ideally seeking a later stage deal. At a minimum, your company should have revenue. Note that this rule often applies to VCs driving Aston Martins and Bentleys as well.

Ferrari

Any VC driving a Ferrari (or Lamborghini) has probably been laid less in his lifetime than I have been laid so far this week. Pitch anything. Just be sure to bring a young, flirtatious “co-founder” who has a penchant for short skirts, high heels and open blouses.

Prius

Move on when you encounter any VC who drives a Prius (or some variant thereof). This VC is full of shit and can offer you nothing (except for possibly a gift certificate that buys you a pair of khakis at Old Navy).

Mercedes-Benz McLaren SLR

If you see a Mercedes-Benz McLaren SLR, it’s probably the PayPal mafia’s Peter Thiel. And given the recent woes of his hedge fund, you might want to think twice about pitching him unless you happen to party with Sean Parker on Saturday nights.

Telsa

Any VC dumb enough to hand over a deposit to Tesla Motors is probably dumb enough to invest in a bullshit cleantech startup. Recruit a Ph.D. scientist and claim to have a process that can turn apricots into syngas. Tell the VC that you anticipate being able to meet 5% of North America’s gasoline needs within 10 years once you “scale up.” Ask for $30 million, “settle” for $20 million.

Porsche 911

Elegant and powerful at the same time, the Porsche 911 is one of the finest sports cars ever built. The typical driver of a Porsche 911 is a man who doesn’t need to tell the world who he is – he could have easily dropped $130,000 on a flashier car. Instead, he chose something with superior engineering and architecture. He’s probably looking for something similar in an investment. This means if you’re pitching a startup that’s heavy on hype but short on substance, you should schedule meetings elsewhere.

Audi A8

Silly boy. VCs don’t drive Audi A8s. These are what the Valley’s young engineers love to lease.

Maserati Quattroporte

The VC driving a sports sedan like Maserati Quattroporte is telling you something: he’s committed to his family life but isn’t quite ready to give up every last bit of excitement. Pitch him on a social network for the family. It’s something he can tell his wife about but also leaves open the possibility of a little extra on the side if you get my drift.

Rolls Royce Phantom

Black on black Phantom sitting on 24″ blades? That’s not a VC. That’s a shady cat (like yours truly) who isn’t interested in what your startup does unless it fits in a COSCO shipping container.