Jerry Yang Out as Yahoo Chief, Drama 2.0 Hired to Find a New CEO

As many of you know, Jerry Yang has stepped down as the CEO of Yahoo. The past year has been tough on Yang and his shareholders and had Yang remained on board for more abuse, one might have called him the business world’s foremost sadomasochist.

What many of you don’t know is that one of my firms has been retained to locate Yahoo’s next CEO. My firms typically specialize in completing difficult tasks that only the most amoral human beings would ever take on and finding Yahoo’s next leader fits the bill perfectly.

Simply put, the company’s future is about as bright as Nick Nolte’s prospects out of rehab. In other words, the caverns of hell have better lighting.

But fortunately there are plenty of great candidates out there. Here’s the short list we’ve compiled, in alphabetical order.

Julia Allison

The appointment of a new Yahoo CEO will give Yahoo the ability to establish a better relationship with its largest shareholders. Julia Allison, who knows a thing or two about “appeasing” (or trying to appease) semi-wealthy technologists could be a viable option if she’s capable of stepping up her game. The fact that she’s a New York media type (okay, wannabe New York media type) might open doors on Madison Avenue. Or maybe not.

Michael Arrington

Arrington is the ying to Jerry Yang’s yang and had been a vocal critic of Yang. For Yahoo shareholders looking for “change,” Arrington just might be “the one.” What Arrington lacks in experience and track record he more than makes up for in Valley PR power, which should be good for exposing Yahoo’s half-baked products to the small world of first-adopters. As an added bonus, he kind of looks a little bit like Steve Ballmer and since he’s used to selling himself out for very little, I think they’d make a great team once Yahoo sells itself to Microsoft for pennies on the dollar.

Jason Calacanis

Let’s face it: watching the slow death of Mahalo is painful and I wouldn’t make my worst enemy the CEO of that sorry excuse of a company. What do you say, Jason? How about running a real search engine?

Mark Cuban

Yahoo did Cuban a favor when it bought Broadcast.com for $5.7 billion in stock back in Bubble 1.0. With Yahoo currently worth less than three times that amount today, it’s time for Cuban to return the favor. Cuban will be a shareholder favorite: if he’s unable to turn things around, you’ll know it’s time to bail on your YHOO position when he dumps his shares unexpectedly for no apparent reason.

Henry T. Nicholas III

If Yahoo and Seesmic share the same fate, let’s bring in a CEO that knows how to go down in style. Jerry Yang has less personality than my left nut and that’s unacceptable in a day and age where failing companies abound and it’s hard to stand out in the crowd. Henry T. Nicholas III will ensure that Yahoo stands out and then some. New products Yahoo will launch under Nicholas include Crackr and a sexier “del.icio.us.”

Kevin Rose

The reality: Yahoo just isn’t hip. If image is everything, Kevin Rose just might be the perfect fit for Yahoo. Who knows, he might even be able to create shareholder value. After all, he took a profitless clusterfuck that cost $10,000 to build to a $60 million vapor payday in 18 months. Right now, I think Yahoo shareholders would settle for only half that!

Sheryl Sandberg

Going from Google to Facebook may have given Sandberg the ability to play mommy with the kiddies but being overruled by Mark Zuckerberg and learning that you’re incapable of replicating your “accomplishments” at Google must be making Sandberg miserable. Yahoo may be a better fit. Somehow I think she’ll either get along marvelously with Sue Decker or they’ll fight to see who is the alpha female at the Yahoo board meetings.

Robert Scoble

One of Yahoo’s biggest problems is that it has so many things going on. This means that the company’s next CEO will need to be the consummate multitasker. Enter Robert Scoble. The only man in the world who has truly embraced and overcome the rare form of Twitter-induced ADHD, Scoble might just be the only person capable of assimilating information from all of Yahoo’s disparate departments. After all, he assimilates noise from more than 20,000 useless twats.

Terry Semel

The second time is usually the charm. How bad could it really be?